New Years Resolution's

I've never really been one for new year's resolutions. I always kind of 'bridget jonesed' them so I just gave up trying years back.

But this year instead of doing the old I will lose three stone, drink smoothies every morning and go for a two mile run every day, I'm going to be more realistic and I suppose a little more vague. I think when you set a solid goal not only is it so daunting that if your not halfway there after the first week of trying your likely to just give up and even if you don't give up anything less than your goal is going to feel like a failure. So rather than saying I will have accomplished this by the end of the year I'm just going to say that this year I will make a start on this, I will try and better myself.

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This year has been a pretty shite one for me in all honesty. I'd always struggled with my mental health, even as a child something just felt 'off'. I would look at my peer's, my brother, family and my subconscious would whisper "you're not like them". It's an odd thing, I've never been overly depressed, never had episodes of mania but I just didn't fit. So it's no surprise really that it took until this year, the year I turned twenty two that I was finally diagnosed as autistic. High functioning of course but autistic none the less.

So yer... this year has been a bit of a whirl of emotion. Yes It's fantastic that I have an answer but it's soul crushing to be told that that feeling, the feeling that you don't belong, that you don't have a meaningful place in the world, that struggle and anxiety, the inability to communicate with people properly; that will never leave you. You'll never catch up with your peers. This is not a phase you can grow out of. All those things I told myself I would do when I was older and more settled in myself they will never happen, or the chances are slim anyway.

I think I've just spent the entire year talking and dwelling on what I can't do. Doctors, social workers, psychologists, the DWP they don't want to hear what you can do they just want to hear about the negative. And because I have somehow kept all my struggles and anxieties to myself my friends and family keep asking me to talk about them. It's so that they can better understand how they can help me and understand how I could have this diagnosis in the first place, so I have no ill feelings towards them, I would be asking the same questions. And I know its necessary part of the process, I mean if you can identify what you can't do it's easier to see what's left, to see your strength's, but it is emotionally draining. When you're constantly fixated on what you can't do it's hard to remember what you can.

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So I've decided that this is going to be the year of can do's. I'm not going to dwell on what I can't do and instead try and get back to that blissful ignorance where I believed I could do all the thing's people around me can do. Believe that the world is my oyster and I can conquer any challenge I face, even if that is just talking to the woman in the bank. It's not good for your emotional health and self worth to constantly shut yourself down with that insidious thought "but you can't do that, no matter how much you try".

I'm going to try and forget how many people said after being told about my autism "ohh well yer that makes sense" as if it was always obvious to them that something was different with me but no one said a thing. It's like coming home after a night out and seeing that you have mascara all over your face and no one had the kindness to tell you. So this year sod what people think, I never cared before so it makes no sense to start caring now, I mean for god sake now I have an excuse if I say something inappropriate or do my weird 'hand thing' when I'm nervous. Now more than ever I should embrace my inner weird.

And I'm going to paint more. I don't know why but I haven't really painted or even doodled this year. Weird seeing that it relaxes me so much but I think I just kind of lost all confidence in it and the last thing I wanted was to feel as though I couldn't do that either. But I love creating things so I think it will do me the world of good to throw myself back into it. Like a kind of art therapy. I might even learn something new, my mums a wood carver and she's always talking to me about giving it a go. I'd just never had the confidence. Again back to that bloody word.

This year I have just been so overwhelmed, I've either been dwelling on what I can't do, trying to put things into place so that I can eventually have a sense of Independence, so that I have a really strong support system, money coming in and hopefully be able to live in my own place sometime soon. Or I've been half comatosed trying recover from the mental strain that all that puts you through, too excused to do anything other than sit by yourself and contemplate. So needless to say my social life has very quickly ran away from me, I've missed birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, parties, my friends  end of year art show and graduation, my other friends wedding. So many missed cups of tea and natters, missed movie nights and catch ups. So this year I'll do better, even if that just means being the one to call them or dropping the odd text here and there.

And you know I think I might start taking 'morning constitutional's' as my mum mockingly calls them. I think a stroll round the local park in the morning might do me good. I don't really get out much anymore, this year it's almost turned into a monthly thing. Even if it's just a cup of tea at the end of my garden, I think the fresh air and the change of scenery might clear my head even if just for a hour.

And I'm going to take more baths. Proper baths, with bubbles and music and a good book. Candles and laying there until the water gets cold kind of baths. Just take a bit more time out to pamper myself. It's not like I have a lack of time.

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But really my new years resoloution is to be able to sit there on the 31st of December 2017 and think 'I've had a bright year. Thing's will be good in the end. I'll find my happy place.' Even if i'm not there already as long as the future gleams with possibilities it will have been a successful year.